12.09am
Flicking between the channels, I keep catching a second or so of Moulin Rouge on BBC2. I hate that film. But, Come What May, I'll keep you up to date with hottest news and most tenuous puns I can muster.
"I think you're living in a fantasy land, with respect" Mandy tells a Reform chappie, who is wearing a matching tie and pocket square. I don't know how far apart they are - physically; I'm sure they're far apart politically - but the BBC is only showing them in two separate camera shots. That's so we have enough space to see a woman in a startlingly yellow jumper counting votes in Brighton. Reform guy says Labour is a party for metropolitan people in Islington, which is rum given that Islington North might well be one of the few seats they're not going to win.
Sunderland Central, the forgotten cousins of the Sunderland area, have joined the declaration fun. They Wear it well. The same story we're used to: Labour win, but Reform surprisingly high.
Simon tells me that Mad Nad vs. Ali Campbell is continuing in a tasty fashion, with insults flying back and forth. John McDonnell has made it to C4 as well, and reckons Keir Charmer will have to become more radical once they've carried out their first six policies - and will aim to amend the first budget to end the two child benefit cap.
Is it time to crack open the Milky Bar buttons? I think it is.
12.23am
Milkybar Gold or just Milkybar? It's a landslide for Gold (with regular to follow). In the C4 studio, Nad seems to have gone, and the no less mad Anne Widdecombe has taken her seat. Alastair Campbell seems to be struggling already, even though we're barely past midnight. I'll tell you what, C4 aren't afraid of a bit of branding: the mugs, the laptops, the walls - can we buy this merch?
Gogglebox are just around the corner, so we can see if they warrant their appearance in the programme's title. But before we get to them, we learn that Robert Buckland - former Lord High Chancellor, which I'm pretty sure is not a real thing - has lost his seat in Swindon South to Heidi Alexander, who was one of those who resigned under Red Jez. Oh, here come Gogglebox, which means it must be time to change the channel.
ITV are showing Buckland's farewell speech. He's a short one. But has some nice words to say about both Heidi Alexander and his wife. BBC are showing the same speech but somehow have got the sound levels much, much worse. In fact, for some reason the ITV one is delayed, so he's also much angrier on the BBC.
So far it's a 100% success for Labour. Not uncommon at this time of night, but that is the first Labour gain.
12.34am
Sadiq "Yes We" Khan is on the BBC, saying he's known Keir for years because they're both lawyers. I wonder if he knows my mate Dave. Also, he says that some of his best friends (Ed Miliband) are failed Labour leaders.
Labour have taken Washington, which is a bit of a surprise, but at least that means we don't need to worry about Trump. Curiously, Victoria Derbyshire says she won't repeat an expletive from a senior Conservative because it's a family show. If kids are watching this, what hope is there for them? Gus O'Donnell (aka God) is in the studio, and to be honest I thought - like Nietszche before me - that he was dead. I must be thinking of Jeremy Heywood.
Ed tells me that the BBC are already referring to Rishi as the erstwhile leader of the Conservatives. Much like him, it may shortly come to pass.
BBC2 now have Today at Wimbledon. You could say it's game, set and match to Labour, after Starmer aced it - smashed it - has the advantage - has reclaimed the centre (court) - I could go on. I won't, though. New Balls, please, for ITV?
12.50am
BBC have Witney - my brother's constituency - as a 78% chance of a Conservative hold. Others are also too close to call, including Bristol Central (probably Green) and Somerset NE, where Jacob Rees-Mogg may be given more time to spend with his nanny. As for Liz Truss, who knows? The conversation on ITV is that she may run for leadership again - our loss would be fringe US right-wing events' gain.
Channel 4 have got a chap with a truly hideous bright green shirt, and Mad Carol sitting next to Vince Cable. Is Ming Campbell still alive? What does he think of all this? We should be told. Unfortunately I seem to have switched across after Carol had done her stuff, but the reaction from Twitter indicates it was as nuts - sorry, "telling it like it is" - as usual.
Over on Sky News, the digital effigy of Keir Starmer is now just hanging around in the middle of the studio. Labour's current 6-0 lead has not resulted in an update in his features: surely they have the money to put a smile on his face? Margaret Hodge is Big Brother-ing it on a huge screen, and being interrupted by Mick Lynch - at least, I think it's Lynch - he's bald, speaking on behalf of all working class people, and very angry about Labour winning, so it sounds like Mick Lynch. "I'm feeling upbeat", he moans.
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