9.05pm
Here we go! As I have done at every general election since 2010, I'm sitting on the sofa with my laptop, ready to blog through the night. A bit of housekeeping, first: rather than create a new post every time I write, I'll be updating hour-by-hour - so keep refreshing this page until 10pm, then move on to the next one.
We start with Sky News, where Kay Burley is stood alongside digital effigies of Rishi & Keir. Their comparative heights look suspiciously kind to Sunak, but perhaps we forget that Starmer is a surprisingly short 5ft 8. Anyway, Kay is so excited she has waved her hands around a bit, and we're getting a montage of party leaders voting alongside their wives, except for the Green Party leader who did it by herself.
"What's the atmosphere like where you are?" Kay asks Mark, in Camden. A real buzz, he says. Apparently three great railways stations are nearby. Maybe that's causing the buzz.
9.09pm
The optimists are saying that a majority will be won between 3-3.30am says Mark, but most people are saying 4am. Does that mean most people are pessimists?
I'll be hopping around the channels tonight, and the only reason I'm on Sky News now is that no one else has got going yet: the BBC is saying farewell to Andy Murray (one of many Scottish departures tonight, no doubt), ITV is showing Douglas is Cancelled (episode one was good), and Channel 4 has got 24 Hours in Police Custody. But who will lock up this election?
Kay reminds us that they can't talk politics until 10pm, so they're having a game of trivia. "What do you think was the highest turnout post-war?" she asks, before refusing to provide the answer, but we do have the first use of the word 'psephologist'. It's going to be a long night. It's going to be a long hour.
9.18pm
Ever wondered how exit polls work? Sky News confirms that they're polls taken after you exit, and Ed Conway nods sagely. This is all in VT: so far the panel have only had the chance to guess at that post-war record (1945 & 1992 were the guesses. We still don't have the answer).
Sky News do have a branded taxi, curiously, and a QR code that Kay is utterly failing to point towards at the bottom of the screen. Sarah Jane is in Grimsby. What's she done wrong? "We've met apathy" says some Sky News guy (Tom) alongside Sarah Jane. It might be his first time in Grimsby.
Beth Rigby reveals the result of the post-war record quiz: 1950. It's every bit as much fun as reading a stat could be. Andy Burnham has just got Dennis Skinner's age wrong. The exit poll can't come soon enough.
9.23pm
Sky News have revealed their trump card: a digital Larry the cat. His tail moves. He licks his paw. He looks up. There's no way that ITV will be able to rival that kind of budget in their production, surely?
Ad break, so let's see what's happening on... GB News. Cineworld might be changing their prices, and an influencer says she prefers Netflix. Paula London absolutely loves the cinema, and often goes by herself in the middle of the day: she's never been there with more than ten people. A high number by GB News standards.
Ad break over, as is my dalliance with GB News. Sky News is confirming that the turnout so far is 0.0% (N/C).
9.30pm
"The pop star musician Sting was once a teacher" in whatever constituency the lady on Sky News is talking about. "That is a fact". He also went to Warwick University, for what it's worth. Useful to know.
Anyway, Blyth & Ashington is hoping to be the quickest constituency to return results this year. We've heard this nonsense before, though, as they hoped to take the title in 2019 (there was even a cloak-and-dagger operation where BBC reporters were smuggled in without alerting other broadcasters) before having to have a recount. Still, you have to admire the Blyth spirit.
I am not alone in staying up for this: Simon is planning to make it as far as the verdict, and Smudger & Ed might be in it for the long haul. If you're doing the same, give me a shout... particularly in the wee hours, when I'll be going slightly insane.
9.40pm
I've broken out the nachos a little earlier than anticipated.
Now seems as good a time as any to nail my colours to the mast: while I'm traditionally a Conservative voter, I have joined the Starmpede to Labour. But I'm not planning on being too partisan tonight, my focus instead being on crafting excellent puns like that 'Starmpede' effort that, I can confirm, wasn't a typo.
We're only a few minutes away from Channel 4 joining the action with their madness from 9.45pm, ITV kicking off at 9.50pm, and BBC1 joining the fun last of all, at 9.55pm. Breaking news, though: there's been a surprise dissolution honours list, and Theresa May is joining the Lords. That viral doorbell thing may have swung it.
9.49pm
"Be Lazy. Just Vote" say Channel 4, who also have a fun '4th' ident for the election. Here comes Krishnan Guru-Murphy, Emily Maitlis, The Rest is Politics, and... Gogglebox? All right. No advert breaks for C4 tonight, they assure us. "If this was the Euros, kick-off is nearly here" says Emily unhelpfully.
Harriet Harman, Kwasi Kwarteng, and Mad Nad are in the house. Mhairi Black, Anne Widdecombe, Nadhim Zahawi and Vince Cable make up the numbers. Impressive, but I think it's going to go insane.
A "genuine professor of maths" is here! To show how good she is at maths, she's standing in front of a screen with the numbers 650 (number of seats), 326 (those needed for a majority), 10 (Downing Street) and probably more whirling around. Hopefully she'll also find time to explain the Riemann hypothesis and Non-Euclidian geometry.
9.57pm
ITV join the fun and, for some reason, have their volume set much lower than their rivals. This is going to be annoying. More podcasters in situ, in the form of Osborne & Balls, but in their case they were first teamed on an election night and formed a podcast off the back of that, rather than the other way round. Nicola "jailbird" Sturgeon is also there, presumably on good behaviour.
Paul is in the studio with a double-breasted suit. Good lord. "It's an amazingly democratic moment" says George Osborne, who is looking very well these days.
Over to the BBC, where 'Not Going Out' is followed by the opposite. No, you're right, it's far too early in the night for a joke that weak. BBC2 has Gimme Gimme Gimme, which is what Keir Starmer must be thinking. They get worse.
Laura Kuenssberg has an arrestingly pink suit, and the shot in the BBC intro of people at polling booths did, I have to say, resemble a urinal.
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