10.01pm
Harriet Harman & Nadine Dorries also in pink tonight. That might be where their similarities stop.
Big Ben is chiming, Clive & Laura are standing outside a fake Number 10 (no Larry), and that can only mean one thing: the exit poll is here! Labour landslide, the Starmpede is on. 410 seats to 131 for the Tories (they had 165ish in 1997 if memory serves). Unsurprising, but big.
13 seats for Reform, though, is potentially on the high side. That's a bit more of a surprise.
10.07pm
Let's see what ITV think. Harriet Harman says it's an indictment on the Tories and a triumph for Labour, which is obviously true, but we all want to hear what madness Mad Nad thinks.
"This is on you" Kwasi is told, and he doesn't agree. He's being very boring tbh, hinting that this might be good news because it wasn't an 'extinction level event' for the Tories. Over on ITV, George Osborne is using the exact same line.
The demolition of the SNP - just 10 seats! - shouldn't be overlooked. I've not heard Sturgeon's thoughts on it yet because I'm hanging around on C4 for Dorries to tell us that Boris would have won a supermajority.
Actually, is this a supermajority? We should be told.
10.14pm
It's a loveless landslide, apparently. As opposed to most landslides, which are practically Aphroditean.
"You've got to get over Boris Johnson" says Alastair Campbell. Dorries says it's a sexist comment; he says it isn't; she says it is. They are sat about as far apart from each other in the C4 studio as it's possible for them to be, which is perhaps fortunate.
ITV coverage includes footage of people running around with boxes, which is always a fun part of the evening. Truth be told, though, none of the channels have managed to make this seem very exciting, possibly because we'd been warmed up for an even bigger landslide than the one we're going to get.
BBC start with 'Brexit hardman' Steve Baker (who is probably going to lose his seat) and The Rest is Politics star Peter Mandelson. An 'electoral meteor' has struck planet earth, he tells us, suggesting that only Superman could have coped as Conservative leader. I don't have Mandy down as a comic books guy, but let's see what happens when he takes his glasses off.
10.26pm
First mention of Red Jez! Steve Baker seems to be regretting turning up on BBC, where Clive is just shouting "D Day! Gambling!" at him. They also have footage of people running with boxes in Blyth, and ambling lackadaisically with them in Newcastle.
Over on ITV, a cobbled together picture of Tory leadership contenders in front of Number 10, and apparently most of them will lose their seats. Angela Rayner is working her way down the channels, standing in front of some trees in Manchester and pulling out an umbrella. "It's Manchester!" She's been urging calm on the BBC and is now doing the same on ITV - "it's only an exit poll". Ah, I've missed you, election night.
Rory Stewart is on Channel 4 pronouncing the word 'issues' in that way that only he does. Repeatedly. Kwasi says that the reason no one much talked about policy was that everyone kept talking about polls. Really? Harman is congratulated about becoming Baroness Harman, which seems a little awkward given that Mad Nad - who famously quit then didn't then did, because she didn't understand Houses of Parliament process and Johnson lied to her - is only two seats away.
Sky News has got David Lammy. He's looking entirely bored until he 'accidentally' calls his boss Keir Charmer, before doubling down on it. Thank you, David. This blog is about nothing so much as dodgy puns, and I'll pick up what you're throwing down.
10.34pm
Angela has made it as far as Sky News, and what was a slight trickle on ITV has become an absolute downpour. She's still saying that they're not counting any chickens. but Ed Balls is less concerned with such niceties: "he's won" he says.
Speaking of people who have won, ITV have got a reporter in Clacton, where Nigel Farage - who seems to have had a haircut - is hanging around outside a pub. The first sight in the flesh of any current party leaders.
It's time to address the titles of the programmes on the various channels. 'Election 2024' on BBC, which makes sense. 'Election 2024 Live: The Results' on ITV, which is a little over the top but leaves you in no doubt. 'Election Night Live' say Sky News, noting that most viewers are probably aware already what year it is. 'Britain Decides with The Rest is Politics and Gogglebox' is the insane name for Channel 4's offering - especially as Gogglebox so far have been notable by their absence.
The Maths Prof says that 326 is the magic number of seats for "one of these two gentlemen". I think it's a little late to pretend that Sunak could win a majority. Richard Osman (on Twitter) has pointed out that the Tories' worst seat count was 156, and that was 118 years ago. It'll be a record-breaking night.
10.43pm
All eyes on Blyth & Ashington. The BBC have called it for them already. There's a sign saying "Doubtful", which feels like one of those motivational posters, if they were adopted more reverse psychology. Naga is in the building and has stolen a thimble, which could kill the momentum. And in Sunderland they think they're going to win the race! Newcastle still seems to be going at walking pace.
I've not mentioned that the Greens are due to win two seats, which does suggest that the newly minted Bristol Central is likely to be newly minted Green. Not entirely disappointed that I no longer live there.
Slipping out the honours list on election night was a curious choice, but it's good to see Dr Hillary Cass has become a crossbench peer.
Laura Kuenssberg has asked Steve Baker if he thinks that the Conservatives made a mistake by listening too much to people like him. Instead of answering, he says that Twitter and WhatsApp are nothing like in Peter Mandelson's day. Mandy looks as confused as the rest of us. Baker goes on to says that government shouldn't be "an absolute monarchy governed by regicide". Controversial stuff.
10.50pm
Back on C4, Emily is reading out the honours list, and Nadine is leaning forwards in hope. Sorry, Nad. You've got nothing, but Chris Grayling is in the House! Liam Booth-Smith is causing great mirth in the studio, since he's the guy who ran Rishi's campaign into the ground, but Rory Stewart is OK with the cabinet ministers making it into ermine. Campbell is looking very smug - when does he not? - and wearing a tie in Burnley colours.
ITV have a 'seats with high mortgage' graphic. They're the seats with the highest proportion of mortgage holders, and they're mostly going from Tory to Labour. This feels like 2am stuff. They also have someone in the studio called Colin, who says that early results won't be useful because they're coming from the NE of England. As I've adopted the SW as my home, I guess the NE must be my natural enemies; certainly people called Colin are my tribe. He's got a lovely tie, too (unlike Krishnan's number, which is somehow both garish and dull).
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