1.03am
Rachel Reeves has made it onto Sky News, and I don't think I've ever heard her speak before. She has a deeper voice than I'd imagined, and seems quite cross. Beth Rigby tells her that Hodge & Lynch had a 'disgustion', which seems right.
Gateshead Central and Whickham [sic] is another Labour hold. Wes Streeting is in the ITV studio, with his haircut that looks much like mine did back when I had hair. The tell-tale slope to the fringe was my first indication that I was losing mine, though, so it could be bad news for Wes. He says Labour have a "reform agenda", which I'm assuming he intends not to be capitalised.
Speaking of unexpected political gambits, Dawn Butler is on the BBC and talking about Proportional Representation. Maybe Ed Davey's one-man jester show has had more of an impact than I thought. Also at the BBC, Rita tells us that voter turnout is at 54%, which is very low - and has confirmed that there were no general elections while Liz Truss was PM. We didn't have that kind of time, Rita.
1.14am
Masked Singer star Alan Johnson has joined ITV actor Nadhim Zahawi and Strictly Come Dancing legend Anne Widdecombe in the C4 studio. "I'm with Carol Vorderman" say Alan, who has a history with letters that rivals hers. Rachel Reeves has made it to join them onscreen from Leeds, and is asked if she feels like the UK's first female chancellor - a curious question that she broadly ignores. Does she have anything comparable to Gordon Brown's announcement of the independence of the Bank of England? Um, no. Or maybe. I drifted off a bit during her answer.
It sounds like Bassetlaw might go to Reform under an 86 year old candidate. He's so old, he could be US president. Or long dead.
I really wish the BBC would keep the name onscreen of whoever is talking. Some Conservative woman is chatting now and I have absolutely no idea who she is. Oh, here we go: Dehenna Davison. I'm none the wiser, but on Instagram she says that her head probably hurts - no doubt more so today than usual. Mandy is still with her, up well past his bedtime. BBC also have a 'Live: Leek' video running, but alas it's the Staffordshire(?) constituency rather than the new Liz Truss Lettuce.
1.27am
Labour say Islington North looks "challenging" - it is, of course, where Red Jez is standing as an independent, and will be one of the most interesting seats of the night. Elsewhere, the hat lady is announcing another Northumberland seat, which - like pretty much all the other seats so far - is a Labour win with a strong Reform vote.
Over on Sky News, Kay has got the Percy Pigs. Earlier in the night she chastised somewhere for naming the Haribo brand, which felt weird on commercial TV, but maybe she's got an M&S deal lined up. Interestingly, they have a graph showing that Reform have actually underperformed the exit poll so far - not by much, and with only a few constituencies declared, but still. While I'm not as stridently anti-Reform as some of my friends, I do think they're a bunch of charlatans.
Ed Davey is at the count! On foot, alas. Of the first five people he's walked past, he's hugged four and shaken hands with one. What did the one guy do wrong? You have to say that Davey has done a good job in making people forget the - always rather tenuous - attempts to hold him responsible for the Post Office debacle.
1.43am
If you tire of this blog, by the way, today I make my regular Friday appearance in the Telegraph Cross-Atlantic crossword. Take a look, if you like.
In Harrogate & Knaresborough we have the first non-Labour seat of the night, a Lib Dem gain from the Tories - but at least the Tories were comfortably in second, with Labour knocked down to fourth. A chunky turnout, too.
C4 have finally noticed Northern Ireland and are in the Titanic Centre in Belfast - I've been there, and to be honest it's a bit of a rip-off. The lass there is resisting the temptation to do a bunch of jokes about sinking. Back in the studio, Emily wants to see Vince Cable's WhatsApp messages, and Carol also seems game. Does Cable have WhatsApp? I reckon he's the kind of guy who's still using text messages. "Have you got any intel on Chichester?" Emily asks him, like he's moonlighting for GCHQ. Anyway, the Lib Dems won it from Gillian Keegan, the Conservative Education Secretary - quite a shock.
The guy in the terrible green shirt turns out to be Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall (why, though?), who is promoting the Greens and - I promise you I'm not hallucinating - is waving around packets of seeds and telling us, the viewer, to scatter them over wasteland. Does he know how television works?
1.52am
The Tories have a seat! Alas, it's Mark Francois. Basildon & Billericay has gone to a recount - supposedly a safe seat until the famous 'chicken run' by the Tory candidate parachuted in - apparently only 20 votes in it, but no one seems to know who the two parties battling it out actually are. Some combination of Conservatives, Labour, and Reform.
Nuneaton has gone to Labour, and has been a bellwether since 1997 apparently. Ed Balls said it made him queasy in 2015 - taking a short break from trying to get Nicked Sturgeon to trash-talk her successor(s) as SNP leader, which she is refusing to do.
Over on the BBC, they still have cameras in Blyth for some reason, and are now doing vox pops in a studio - including a girl who might be regretting her choice of clothing - before cutting off to visit Darlington. We're still at the point in the evening where returning officers are given plenty of broadcast time, but even now he's cut off in the middle of detailing spoiled ballots. Conservative down 16%, Reform up 13%, Labour basically the same - so it's a Labour win. The right is split.
"Labour are winning seats, there's no question about that" says Clive, who is a few hours behind the headlines.
1.58am
In Aberdeen, Emily asks Douglas Ross if he's kept his seat. To the amazement of all, he is reluctant to say what the result of the count is going to be. There is then a series of curious questions about David Duguid (pronounced wildly differently by Ross and by Krishnan), the man he replaced as Conservative candidate, who is the spinal unit of a hospital. It is perhaps expecting too much of the casual 2am viewer to know the ins and outs of Scottish Conservative selection policy.
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