3.09am
In Keir Charmer's seat, I'm somewhat surprised to learn that UKIP still exist. Also a huge bunch of independent candidates, including the continually unamusing Monster Raving Loony Party, and a guy in an Elmo suit. It's a big drop in majority, with Andrew Feinstein - a pro-Gaza activist - coming in second. Keir, unsurprisingly, seems very chipper tonight, thanking Andy White for being a great agent. Is it the same Andy White who sat in as drummer on Please Please Me, because the producers didn't trust Ringo? I'm not prepared to speculate, but he did die in 2015 so possibly it's a long shot.
Matt Parker - he of popular maths YouTube videos - is at a count. Also wearing a rosette. He's not standing, is he? Not to name-drop, but he works with Katie Steckles, whom I know a little bit - I know her partner Paul better. We test-solve each other's crosswords.
Kinnock & Mandelson are having a great time together at the BBC, where Mandy in particular is doing a surprisingly long stint on the show. He was being touted as a potential Foreign Secretary in Keir's government this week: it sounds unlikely, but Cameron being Foreign Secretary was also unexpected. Anyway, over to Welwyn where Grant Shapps - or whatever he's calling himself these days - is looking nervous, maybe because he's within choking distance of the large feather adorning the returning officer's hat. I reckon hers is even better than the other woman's. Ah, maybe his nervousness was more because he was about to lose his seat to Labour - that's a big scalp! The actual defence secretary gone.
3.19am
This was the first general election at which we needed IDs, and Walthamstow have taken it to heart: they've elected IDS. The lass with a purple rosette - an independent called Faiza Shaheen- has shaken her head through the announcement, possibly having heard early word of that pun I just made. Or maybe because she was a deposed Labour candidate, who polled almost exactly the same as the actual Labour candidate, and between them they would have comfortably beaten the former Tory leader. He says it's been a "straightforward campaign", whatever that means.
On Sky News, Ruth Davidson has described Hexham as a seat in the North East. I don't think she's allowed to do that. Remember that 'Southern Powerhouse' gag she made? That was a solid gag. Don't ruin it now, Ruth. Speaking of Scots, Nicola is still defending the SNP record but her heart isn't in it. It's an interesting choice for ITV to keep the same panel throughout the night, unlike the more rotational operation on the BBC and C4. Although C4 have been very down-the-line tonight, having previously rejoiced in the likes of Jimmy Carr.
3.30am
Islington North, here we go! Jeremy Bernard Corbyn has got a number starting with 24,000, and the room has absolutely erupted - it's a huge win over the Labour candidate, with 16,873. Red Jez is keeping his seat, and it wasn't even close. The returning officer is dressed as a pirate/highwayman, somewhat surprisingly. Mandy isn't happy - "my only consolation is that Jeremy Corbyn is not a Labour MP and never will be". It's not especially gracious, not least because he's claiming that on the doorstep most voters didn't realise that Corbyn wasn't representing Labour. A bit insulting to the good people of Islington North, no?
Over to Clacton, and Mr Toad has won a seat at the eighth time of asking, in one of the less surprising results of the night. The returning officer read out surnames first, for some reason. The BBC have just used the 'eighth time of asking' line, suggesting that I've become unoriginal. Farage says he'll do his best to bring more tourists to Clacton, which... well, good luck to the chap. It's a 45% swing from CON to con.
3.40am
Kemi wins Saffron Walden, who might be a Bridgerton character. I don't know enough about Bridgerton to know if that works, but to be honest, it's half past three. Who's even reading this, apart from me, in the future (I always like to come back and read through to remind myself how the night went)?
Red Jez is up, and seems rather angry. I remember his concession in 2019 being the least gracious speech in recent political memory (well, along with Galloway & Farage). Anyway, he's back onto "kinder, gentler" politics, which is all rather moving until you remember the circumstances of his eviction from the Labour party.
In cheerier news, Jeremy Vine is back in the virtual House of Commons, where special attention seems to have paid to the balcony. Yet again, though, it's a rather tame colouring of the seats in party colours rather than anything more imaginative - but, leaving that to one side, the BBC forecast now gives the SNP 6 seats and Reform just 4 - a huge fall compared to the exit poll. Labour's majority would also be a bit smaller.
3.53am
ITV think they're in Milton Keynes, but all the Welsh in the background should have been a clue. They're now devoting a weirdly large amount of time to a comprehensive Plaid Cymru victory there, which I admit would have been a huge story if it had happened in Milton Keynes, but is somewhat less fascinating in Caerfyrddin.
Jacob R-M is on C4 with the biggest rosette seen tonight, and also the biggest chutzpah seen tonight, as he claims the Tory party have only experienced some 'hiccups' (he no doubt spells it 'hiccoughs') and suggests that Rishi's campaign could have gone better had he held an umbrella on day one. It's JRM vs. Harriet Harman live on the channel, as they relitigate the argument about the privileges committee - the Mogg claims without evidence that it was biased, and Harriet lays out the facts as to why it wasn't. They're interrupted for confirmation that Gillian Keegan has lost her seat, which we all knew ages ago, and I was somewhat startled to learn that I also stood against her. No, wait, they said 'Collinge, Thomas'.
Bristol Central has gone Green! Sad news for our great city. Great Yarmouth has gone to Reform, which is also sad. And Rory Stewart is making some fairly wild statements about Muslim voters.
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