Election Night 2024

  6.09am I didn't go to bed. I'm so dumb. But now I get to hear my friend Lorna summarise the night's results on Good Morning Britain. I really wanted to stay up for Truss, but I don't think I can. 6.17am This is torture, now. 6.22am Jess Phillips says that young woman activists are 'kryptonite' and will 'change the world'. I don't think she knows her DC lore. She's also called Harriet Harman "the OG sister", which gets a slightly confused "thanks" in response. Apparently Jess got heckled in Birmingham after her narrow victory, and blames this on misogyny. I didn't see it, but it certainly is a sad indictment on her opponents that they can't show the grace that we have seen elsewhere. Jess says that politicians need to "win back trust" but all we really care about now is whether or not parliament will win back Truss. Come on, people. 11 cabinet members have now lost their seats. I'm losing my mind. 6.26am...

5.01 All the people taking support away from the SNP "haven't stopped supporting independence" says Sturgeon, hypocritically. It's been a very long night for her. Mhairi Black, over on C4, is also reluctant to give Labour much credit. Still, it's their voters who are gathering in the Tate Modern (for some reason) with a lot of UK flags, a few Welsh and Scottish, and - so far as I can see - not a single English flag. Maybe the football fans had already nabbed them all. Sky News are going full on in their 'Labour WIN' graphics, which I don't think the other channels are calling yet, but come on. "We're going to risk it for a biscuit" says Kay as they transfer to Rees-Mogg who, despite what I said about the massiveness of his rosette, actually has a smaller one than the green candidate. What is it about Somerset NE & Hanham and huge rosettes? Who cares, though, as JRM has been defeated comfortably by Labour's Dan Morris, winning by o...

4.02am Suella has retained her seat. More bad news. But Bristol North West has been retained by Darren Jones - the Labour candidate, who had my vote - with ITV greeting this as 'Laura Saunders unsuccessful'. Since she was suspended after gambling on the date of the election, this wasn't a surprise. Over to Basildon & Billericay, where the Conservative chairman won his seat by a mere 20 votes, with his victory being met by almost total silence: he is not popular locally. Over in Boston & Skegness, David Dickason has 'deport all illegal immigrants' in the name of his party. Despite such an offer, Richard Tice has won the seat for Reform, standing in front of a sign saying "Boston ...a great past, an exciting future." Fact checkers are flocking. Also flocking is Rishi Sunak himself, heading to a provincial sports hall just like he's one of us. "We don't want to cut away" says Laura K, since we don't want to miss the money shot of...

3.09am In Keir Charmer's seat, I'm somewhat surprised to learn that UKIP still exist. Also a huge bunch of independent candidates, including the continually unamusing Monster Raving Loony Party, and a guy in an Elmo suit. It's a big drop in majority, with Andrew Feinstein - a pro-Gaza activist - coming in second. Keir, unsurprisingly, seems very chipper tonight, thanking Andy White for being a great agent. Is it the same Andy White who sat in as drummer on Please Please Me, because the producers didn't trust Ringo? I'm not prepared to speculate, but he did die in 2015 so possibly it's a long shot. Matt Parker - he of popular maths YouTube videos - is at a count. Also wearing a rosette. He's not standing, is he? Not to name-drop, but he works with Katie Steckles, whom I know a little bit - I know her partner Paul better. We test-solve each other's crosswords. Kinnock & Mandelson are having a great time together at the BBC, where Mandy in particular is...

2.09am A couple of things I should clear up. Firstly, the Titanic Exhibition Centre is not the same thing as the Titanic Museum, which is where I've been. The centre may or may not be a rip-off. As Simon has pointed out, there wasn't a large empty conference room at the museum, and why would there be? Also, Rachel Reeves has just won in Leeds, and Simon & I disagree in our affection for her bob. It is, I'll grant you, distinctive, but I'm not a bob fan. Anyway, "she looks radiant" according to Emily, as she cuts her off in the middle of a tribute to a (I think) recently departed colleague. Now is as good a time as any to tell you that I went to school with the Conservative candidate for Bromsgrove, Bradley Thomas, and the BBC puts him down as having a 43% chance versus Labour's 57%. I'm rooting for you, Bradders, and I'll keep quiet that you were a passionate Labour member until one day turning up to school as a convert to Michael Howard [sic]....

  1.03am Rachel Reeves has made it onto Sky News, and I don't think I've ever heard her speak before. She has a deeper voice than I'd imagined, and seems quite cross. Beth Rigby tells her that Hodge & Lynch had a 'disgustion', which seems right. Gateshead Central and Whickham [sic] is another Labour hold. Wes Streeting is in the ITV studio, with his haircut that looks much like mine did back when I had hair. The tell-tale slope to the fringe was my first indication that I was losing mine, though, so it could be bad news for Wes. He says Labour have a "reform agenda", which I'm assuming he intends not to be capitalised. Speaking of unexpected political gambits, Dawn Butler is on the BBC and talking about Proportional Representation. Maybe Ed Davey's one-man jester show has had more of an impact than I thought. Also at the BBC, Rita tells us that voter turnout is at 54%, which is very low - and has confirmed that there were no general elections w...

  12.09am Flicking between the channels, I keep catching a second or so of Moulin Rouge on BBC2. I hate that film. But, Come What May, I'll keep you up to date with hottest news and most tenuous puns I can muster. "I think you're living in a fantasy land, with respect" Mandy tells a Reform chappie, who is wearing a matching tie and pocket square. I don't know how far apart they are - physically; I'm sure they're far apart politically - but the BBC is only showing them in two separate camera shots. That's so we have enough space to see a woman in a startlingly yellow jumper counting votes in Brighton. Reform guy says Labour is a party for metropolitan people in Islington, which is rum given that Islington North might well be one of the few seats they're not going to win. Sunderland Central, the forgotten cousins of the Sunderland area, have joined the declaration fun. They Wear it well. The same story we're used to: Labour win, but Reform surpri...